How To Accurately Label Your Pets, PSA

Have you ever been frightened by an animal whose identity is unclear? Confronted by a strange beast in the morning that may or may not be a flesh eating dragon? How do you know? The most effective resolution is to ensure all non-humans are appropriately labeled. These videos were part of the short-lived public service program "How To Accurately Label Your Pets." For example, as you can see from the label, the animal in these videos is a cat. What a relief!

Step 1: Create a label. It is especially helpful if the label has some sort of directional indication system (e.g., an arrow) so as to avoid confusion.
Step 2: Afix the label to the correct animal (please refer to chapter 4.37 of the Label Guidebook regarding matching animals with names). Note that this may be harder than you anticipate, especially if said animal has experienced many previous labelings.
Step 3: Voila! You now have an accurately labeled pet. Watch carefully for any hints of shapeshifting (see Example II, below).
(Step 4: Re-afix label to animal.)

Example I:



Example II:



Easy as pie.

Happy birfday

This is my present to you, sir:
...It gets a bit boring after about 1:25.

tall stretchy cat

Back when the windows were open, the cats liked to sniff at the big world outside...

sad & wet

I had to wash parts of Learned Claw the other day due to a litterbox mishap. This displeased him.

cat spaceship

The cats do not use a normal litterbox. No no. Instead, they use the most amazing contraption ever invented in the history of cat ownership (besides the first litterbox, I suppose): The Litter Robot. The best part is that they look like they're about to blast off out of the kitchen and into space when they're using it. ...which is, let's face it, how one feels sometimes when doing one's duty.

naughty, naughty cat

I did not put him there.

I *KNEW* it!

Learned Claw is my morning friend

I cannot BELIEVE I haven't posted these

a huge backlog

I have a huge backlog of kittenheads paraphernalia to get through. But first, a recounting of my morning so far:

• Wake up with Erik the Red AND Learned Claw sleeping on me.
• Dress in skirt, nice top, and rainboots--I'm going to the Philharmonic tonight with Former Roommate!
• Eat sausages for breakfast.
• Putter around apartment.
• Notice out of corner of eye Learned Claw scratching rather ferociously around the litter box.
• Pungent smell of poo juice.
• Realize the reason for the obsessive scratching. Simultaneously resign self to changing into ratty tshirt to wash the hind end and all paws of said poo-juice covered cat.

As I write, we are still forgiving each other for the wetness and the hissing:

a gift for Learned Claw

After a prolonged and hard-won battle, Erik has gently placed the toy in Learned Claw's foodbowl. How magnanimous.

Erik, he purrs

...because Lord knows we don't have enough of Erik the Red purring like a maniac.

Erik attacks the sheets II

This time fortified with Learned Claw!

Erik attacks the sheets I

hot off the presses

Turns out Learned Claw is not only shy of people, but also of iCameras.

fact: cats need warmth

This would explain why I have woken up for the past week with cats either sleeping on or near me. The above photo is from yesterday, when I awoke with Erik on my back.

cat therapy

I am never home these days, so when I am—regardless if I've just come back from a run and am stinky or if I'm using the computer, etc.—Erik needs attention, and he NEEDS IT NOW. I'm like crack, apparently. So he came over, laid on my hands (as in the above photo), and began licking me before falling asleep. He makes me so cheery, even when I have so much work I'm about to lose my mind.

good cat bad cat

This sums up a lot of life in my apartment. Thanks, Mumsey.

The embargo ends right now.

a truly momentous occasion

This is the first time they've both been in the cat tree since they were fully grown... and it's not hard to see why: they're too big for them both to remain in there comfortably!

And of course, a fight commenced within about 30 seconds of this photo.

...and every now and then, he sleeps

we makes sure your laundry iz cleen

that last post was gross

Ew. There was no need for that.

When figures of speech come true

Every now and then, Erik the Red tears around the apartment for no apparent reason. My mother calls this "having a wild hair up his ass." The strange thing was that tonight Erik actually DID have a wild something up his ass--to be precise, it was a piece of string about 7 inches long hanging out of his gloryhole. He was chasing his own asshole around the apartment. It was kind of hilarious except for the fact that the string had poo on it and he was whipping all around trying to catch it. And then he sat. On my comforter. I had to ever-so-slowly pull out said string. Did I mention it had poo on it? Yeah.

Anyway. A night in the life, eh? I'm just hoping that's all the string he managed to ingest and that there isn't more waiting curled up inside his wee intestines for me to dislodge it with the force of my retching.

sorry for the lack of posts recently, we've been napping

the ribbon, I loff her

Why does Erik look slightly crazy in this photo? Squinty-eyed Erik, the pirate cat. Arrrr, matey.

Geburtstagkatzen!

wtf, cat?

I loff the umbrella. So red, so obviously a cat toy...

we like to explore the wild unknown [shopping bagz]

we sleeps upside down with our little pawz in the air

we helps with the studying of Sanskrit

(Sanskrit?? I have pretty impressive cats. The Roommate's pretty impressive, too.)

I geeeve up!

Resistance is futile.

where's Learned Claw?

Can you spot the kitten head in this photo?

I recently got a file cabinet and it came in many different pieces. The cats were having a field day pouncing on the little bits of styrofoam (which I'm still finding in Learned Claw's fur) and chasing invisible things, as per usual.

Big kitties, little me

Does this make me look fat?

Erik has the amazing ability of finding all the cozy places where he just exactly fits, like, for example, my armpit, the crook behind my legs, or the shadowbox mirror I recently purchased.

cat taco!

I'm kind of hungry, how about you?

they still fit

Oh, poor little Erik. You're so cute all curled up in a tight ball on my bed. Little do you know that you're about to be shoved in a crate, awkwardly hoisted down 5 flights of stairs, taken outside into the 20º weather and loud streets, tossed in a smelly cab, and carted across Manhattan to the ASPCA so that a stranger who smells of scared animals can stick metal things into your little mouth. Poor little guy.

we sleep with our little heads next to each other

...because we are going to take over the world: when you look at us, we're so damn cute we MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE.

we clean

I avoid work, my cats clean themselves. Life is good. I am sleepy. Oops!

warning: this is disturbing

High school buddy Caitlin Berrigan, an artist, had some plates fired for a talk she gave at the Whitney on Friday. They depict a woman tearing her own liver out of her body and consuming it. I thought it would be funny to feed my cats on the plates.

Hilarity ensued:



Okay, so I guess it's not technically hilarious. but the concept is amusing, n'est-ce pas?

we are so cute, it hurts even us